My weird Sixties Surreal Book – Reality Dreams – Chapter 38 – life and life only

For those of you who have been waiting with bated breath for the next episode – to find out where this exciting tale might lead – here is the next episode.

A bit of philosophy and analysis:

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38.

Life is a very hazy business. It is not always clear when a decision was taken. Situations seem to develop and people become entangled in them. We all drift through the scenes without conscious volition. It is like being in a film where each frame leads on to the next and life progresses through a series of slight variations. It is only later that one has the perspective and hindsight to say: ‘Yeah, it was probably there that I started to become what I am now.’

Messny drifted with no control over his actions and allowed life to waft him around in its currents. Left to his own devices he would tend to drift into the quietest of places where he might while away the hours reading or pondering on life’s mysteries. He never seemed to ponder about what he was doing though, or where it might be leading him. He was confident that it would all work out. Nothing was of great importance in the big scheme of things. Something would happen.

One day, while sitting quietly in a corner, he realised that he had never in all his life been alone, truly alone, for more than a few hours. This disturbed him. He held this notion that there were mental emanations that we all picked up. People synchronised their thoughts, dreams and ideas with the people who were nearby. Life was coloured and directed by the people you chose to associate with. We were all individuals only in relation to who you chose to surround yourself with and share intimacy; that it was impossible to be completely yourself when in the company of others.

Messny did not know who he was.

What did he really believe?

Which beliefs were deeply held convictions and which were adopted, adorned or trotted out to impress or relate to others?

Why did he have such a need to explain, convince and compel others to agree with him?

Messny became convinced that he needed to be alone in order to discover his true identity and feelings, free of the interactions with others.

His life had been one long drift. He had allowed himself to be carried on the winds as his emotions and circumstance conspired to direct his course. He had wafted in and out of work, moving from town to town aimlessly, doing just enough to keep afloat and provide the necessities for existence. He had kept his thinking powers separate and involved in other matters. Little of his intellect had been directed to the business of living.

Likewise with his emotions – it was easy to fall in love for a time and feel happy and secure. But it was an illusion. Life was merely simple when there was no loneliness to have to escape from or desire to chase after. He had craved love, friendship and sexual gratification. Many were the times when he had succumbed but none had lasted and pain was the inevitable aftermath. The excitement of exploring and sharing with a new friend, the joy of setting up home with a new lover, to be close, respected and loved, to give and receive warmth, to trust understand and lose oneself – all evaporated on the morning breeze, leaving anguish and despair. He had willingly given up his freedom and luxuriated in the benefits of the compromise of relationship on many an occasion – he had opened up his heart and displayed the contents of his soul to many a friend – and in that sharing had discovered closeness, bonding and great satisfaction – but it had not lasted the test of time. It had always left him betrayed and bereft.

He had never acted on that need to choose to be alone – to discover his true self.

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The need for companionship and love overrode his desire for self-discovery – for relationship demands compromise. That is the bitter pill that has to be swallowed in return for the soft words, sparkling eyes, nights of passion, the ecstasy of being deliriously, obsessively in love and the enticement of having someone to cuddle through the night – someone who understands.

Messny abandoned his desire to know who he really was – that voyage of discovery – in favour of a settled life.

Eventually he found a woman and a place to settle. He gained a wife and children. They gave a lot and took a lot, leaving him little energy to play with or room for exploration. That life was put on hold. He’d traded it away. His life was mortgaged. Spontaneity was replaced by duty.

It is a beautiful thing to love and cherish. It gives so much. It is only on the dreary days, when those heady days have cooled into too intimate a knowing of what was lost that the delights weigh heavy on the soul.

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