Beware! You may be dead!

If you wake up with one of the following symptoms you may well be dead!

  • You heart has stopped beating
  • You are not breathing
  • Your body is stiff
  • You are as cold as marble
  • You cannot move
  • Your brain is no longer functioning

If you have one or more of these symptoms you may well be dead!

What to do

Nothing.

You have no need to do anything ever again. Other people will do everything necessary.

Benefits

There are a number of benefits from this condition:

  • You will not have to worry about anything ever again
  • there will be no more pain and fears
  • You will not have to do anything anymore
  • All the problems in the world will not exist
  • What is going to happen to you will no longer matter
  • As far as you are concerned, you and the whole universe has ceased to exist
  • You will not have to put up with all the hatred, intolerance, cruelty, stupidity, lying, cheating, violence, destruction, religious fanaticism, environmental madness and thoughtlessness.
  • You can forget about the list of things to do

Downside

  • You will no longer be able to experience all the wonders of the universe
  • You will no longer have the love of your friends and family
  • You will never see a sunrise or sunset
  • You will never have a cuddle
  • You won’t be able to have a laugh
  • You will never gaze into a sky full of stars or see the moon glide through the clouds
  • You will never read a great book
  • You will never meet new, interesting people
  • You will never share a great tale or make new friends
  • You will never love your family
  • You will never walk along a beautiful stretch of sand and splash in the sea
  • You will never see colour
  • You will never write a poem
  • You will never stand on the edge of a cliff and gaze out at the wonderful scenery
  • You will never hear music
  • You will not dance
  • You will not fall in love
  • You will not eat a delicious meal
  • You will not watch a great film
  • You will not put the world to rights
  • You will not stand up for a better world
  • You will not fight injustice
  • You will not hold hands
  • You will not see all the birds and animals
  • You will not see a tree
  • You will not look up into a blue sky, feel the warmth of the sun on your face and a cool breeze
  • You will not have hope, anticipation, excitement or satisfaction
  • You will not feel the glow of having achieved something
  • You will not create
  • You will not drink a great coffee while a squirrel climbs a branch in front of you
  • A gorilla will not connect with you
  • You will not climb a mountain and look at the world laid out before you
  • You will not fly to a wondrous place
  • You will not smell a flower
  • You will not just sit around with people
  • You will not go off to see the sights
  • You will not plan and dream
  • You will not be with the ones you love
  • You will not find the unexpected
  • You will not change anything
  • You will never fly a plane, drive a car or learn a skill
  • You will not travel
  • You will not eat an ice-cream
  • You will not fry calamari in garlic butter and sea-salt
  • You will not smell fresh baked bread or cut grass
  • You will not sip a mellow shiraz
  • You will not discover a new writer
  • You will not stand in front of a Magritte and smile
  • You will not feel warm
  • You will not hear Buddy Holly, Roy Harper, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, Nick Harper or Captain Beefheart and a host of others
  • You will not think nice thoughts
  • You will no go to the theatre
  • You will not share a meal
  • You will not watch England win the world cup
  • You will not see Hull top the premier league
  • You will not amble through a forest
  • You will not share a picnic
  • You will not sit in a meadow and watch the butterflies and bees dance with flowers
  • You will not hear the birds sing in the morning
  • You will not make love in front of a log fire
  • You will not catch sight of a deer standing under the trees
  • You will not visit Katmandu
  • Nobody will paint you a picture, give you a card, a hug, a kiss or a smile
  • You will not discover something fascinating
  • You will not think great thoughts
  • You will not dream wonderful dreams
  • You will not grill cheese on toast
  • You will not have a cup of tea
  • You will not do something that you thought you couldn’t do
  • You will not make something look better
  • You will not help someone and feel good
  • You will not buy something you love
  • You will not cherish something special
  • You will not get the satisfaction of a job well done
  • You will not sit in your garden
  • You will never kayak
  • You will not debate, argue and fight for what you believe
  • You will not hike through the Himalayas
  • You will not eat chocolate
  • You will not take a photograph of a pyramid
  • You will not solve a crossword
  • You will not sit with someone
  • You will not breathe fresh air
  • You will never hear that interesting programme on the radio
  • You will not laugh at a joke
  • You will not save a bee, a tree or a chimpanzee
  • You will not stare at the northern lights
  • You will not fight for justice
  • Rocks will not glow
  • Friends will not ring
  • Lovers will not love
  • Worlds will not exist

So beware if you wake up dead – you might not have packed in all that you could into your brief time here.

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14 thoughts on “Beware! You may be dead!

  1. I sense a morbid air in your writing recently. It’s a bit negative. Do you feel it coming on = death? Don’t forget to leave me your blues and soul vinyl, Oph.

    • I thought it was optimistic Bede! But yes – bit stressed recently! Too much going on and overstressed. But that’s life. Good to hear from you! (And no – no premonitions of death – just getting older!)

      • You should be chilling out. reading and listening to music even Roy Harper for the ten thousandth time. I’ll call over one day in September unless you want to come here. I’ll buy you and Liz some food unless you want me to cook something – maybe locally shot grey squirrel or roe deer?

      • That sounds great. It would be good to meet up! Sounds very tempting. Liz is in Holland for 10 days. Be good to organise something when she gets back.

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